What's small, annoying, and makes you want to pull your hair out?

No, not Justin Bieber. I'm talking about head lice! The past month has been a constant struggle with these ninja-like bugs. In case you don't know what these grotesque rejects of heaven are, here's a brief synopsis. Head lice are tiny disease-free insects that inhabit your scalp and feed off of your blood. They cannot jump or fly and they are relatively poor travelers (and no, they aren't the same as body lice, which are a completely different kind of evil). Most people come in contact with them by bumping heads with someone who is already a host. Once they are on your scalp, they lay a few eggs each day (called nits), which attach to your hair follicles and will hatch in approximately one week, beginning the cycle all over again. Like chicken eggs, but not as tasty, nits must be warm in order to thrive and hatch. In order for this to happen, they must be close to the scalp. Nits lying a few inches down a strand of hair is unlikely to hatch, but it's still best to remove it since it gives people the heebie-jeebies. If your kids do get lice, don't feel bad. It has nothing to do with hygiene or poor parenting. They are common in schools and most kids will get them at some point during their childhood. I first noticed my younger daughter had them a few weeks ago, so I bought a kit at Walgreens. It came with the shampoo, a combing gel (which makes the included comb slip the hair easier), a spray for furniture and non-washable items, and the comb. Even though it was generic, the verbiage on the box sold me.

STOP LICE.  

1-2-3 Lice Elimination System

Lice Killing Shampoo

I like to call it the "Trifecta of Death"

 I felt like it would be my Spartan shield against the never-ending onslaught of Xerxes' army. I drove home in my Honda-built chariot and blasted the box open with the force of ten supernovas while yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" After I realized I had no clue how to use any of the products, I calmed down and chose to follow the instructions, because if there's anything I need instructions for, it's girls' hair (If I had boys, I would have shaved their heads and called it a day). Apparently, lice are so stubborn and evil, that the instructions stated a second application would need to be applied 7-10 days after the initial treatment. So without delay, I applied the first wave of products, checked their hair, then called it a night.

Less than a week later, I noticed a few eggs in my younger daughter's hair again. I ignored the small twitch forming in my eye and calmly applied the second treatment, this time tediously going through her hair and covering every square centimeter. I spent two hours treating both girls, then put them to bed and zoned out. Staring intently at the base of hair follicles is more exhausting than following a girl through the mall for an entire day.

As the third week ended, the girls returned from their mom's house. They came home, showered, and got ready for bed. I was brushing their hair, and once again, I discovered lice nits. There are few things that make me want to grind my teeth to powder, but this was definitely one of them. It was already too late to give them another chemical bath, so I used the nit comb and pulled out everything I could find in 20 minutes. I would have to revisit the issue the next day when I had more time.

Now at this point, **** really hits the fan. I decided I should notify my younger daughter's preschool about the lice so that I could determine where the source was. As soon as I said the word lice, I swear a record halted and a bottle broke. The teachers looked as though I had just dropped the F Bomb (although now I wish that was actually the case). They inspected her hair and found an egg, immediately sending both of us home. Now, for any of you who have you children in school or daycare: check what their policy is regarding head lice. Many schools are required to send the child home immediately and notify all parents regarding the find. This can be especially embarrassing if anyone finds out it was your kid, because trust me, they'll look at you funny.

Once we got home, I did a third treatment and began combing through her hair. I must have found five or six more nits before I lost my patience. There had to be an alternative to this madness. I contacted a few people from work and they recommended I hire a professional. They sent me a link to The Hair Angels who I called immediately. If you live outside of their area, look up an alternative online or in the yellowpages (do these books even exist anymore?!). They called me back within minutes and scheduled an appointment to come to my house within a few hours! I was more excited about that than I was when the Giants won the World Series (Yes, I'm a Giants fan... deal with the perennial greatness). When they showed up, they immediately got to work and answered all of my lice questions. It didn't take them long, but they found a few more eggs and a live bug. I was horrified and relieved at the same time, especially since they guaranteed their work. I took a couple of their lice products for future use and nearly hugged them as they left. Needless to say, my daughter and I spent the rest of the day celebrating by playing video games and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

Overall, my experience was nothing short of a nightmare. I am now a little paranoid about their hair, so I make sure their hair is up at all times when at school. Put it in a ponytail, bun, scarf, hat, whatever. Just get it up so it's not dangling like vines for these little Tarzan wannabes to grab onto. The Walgreens kit will do just fine as long as you get every bug and nit. Otherwise, you can expect the same torture I was subjected to for three weeks. Do yourself a favor and make sure you do it right the first time.

Final score:
Single Daddy 1
Lice 3

Eh... I still won.