Moving On

"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life." - Joel Osteen

Perhaps the most difficult process of becoming a single father is moving on. This could relate to moving on from divorce, death, abandonment, or choice. Whether you wanted your new life or not, you must now change what you're used to. The first step requires:

Optimism

You have to view life as half full, so to speak, or you'll end up with regret, anger, sadness, or any emotion that ultimately leads to less progress and will leak into your children through your interactions with them. You might be asking how you can be optimistic in a time like this. Surprisingly, there are many things you can do to change the way you view life.

• God: If you are a believer, you can find refuge in your religion. Turn to God for the answers. Read the bible, attend church, or get involved. You'd be surprised the miracles He provides in your life every day.

• Take it day-by-day: When you're in a difficult situation, it's very unflattering to think too far ahead. Your goals may appear out of reach, you may have unwelcoming events approaching (court dates, etc), or you just might not want tomorrow to come because today is unbearable as it is. Solution? You have enough to worry about! Focus on today and do something that lifts your spirits. Relax with popcorn and a movie, grab a bite to eat somewhere new, or hit the gym. Tomorrow can wait.

• Be selfish: Not in the traditional sense that everyone criticizes. You're entering a new life and you need to focus on making yourself happy before you can give your joy to others. Get a new wardrobe, go hiking, spend your lunch at the driving range, or dedicate a night out with your friends to get your mind off things. A few weeks of selfishness can refuel your tank. Just don't top it off.

• Change your routine: If you are pessimistic and wondering how things could possibly be any worse, shuffle your cards. Many of us stick to the same routine day in and day out. Throwing a wrench into it will change the way you think. Turn off the TV tonight and play a board game with the kids instead. Go for a walk after dinner. Pick up a hobby that you can do whether the kids are with you or not.

• Think positive: The first week of my separation was tough. I'd constantly think about the the pain from my marriage. Or the things that could have been different. Or what would happen next. My thoughts were eating me alive, so I decided to think positive. The moment my mind starts to drift toward negative thoughts, I immediately think about the positives that have come from our separation. No more anxiety. No more stress. And if I want steak for dinner, then I'm having steak. All positives!

Establishing a new home

Being single has some perks. For example, you're probably having steak for dinner four times a week now. But where are you eating it? Establishing your new home (or old home if you're lucky enough to keep your property) brings challenges most men have never contemplated nor made a lone-decision on. So what kind of things must be considered? Ultimately, it depends on what your living arrangements are.

If you're living with family or friends, you will not have very much freedom. First and foremost, you will have to respect the rules of the homeowner. That means you'll probably have to close the door when you "take the browns to the Super Bowl". It also means you won't be able to have your friends over for Sunday football. And worst, you might even have to wear clothes around the house. Your schedule may even rely on others. Even so, living with someone else has its perks. You will always have company, which is crucial when you're struggling with emotions and thoughts. You might have rent covered, free meals, and a safe place for your kids to play. It's important to remember: this situation is only temporary until you lose your mind or find your own place. Hopefully the latter.

If you're living on your own, there is a lot to consider before choosing a place to stay. You must factor in proximity to schools, daycare, parks, shopping, hospitals, and most importantly, your ex. You don't want to drive halfway across the city at 9pm to pick up your kids, do you? Once you narrow down the location, you'll then need to determine the structure. How many rooms do you need? Do you need a garage? Do you prefer first or second story? Are utilities included? Will this be permanent or temporary? There are many general questions you will need to answer and you will likely have specific ones too. Get the answers so you know what you're getting yourself into.

Selecting a home is just the beginning of course. You will still need to determine safety (if your kids are young), privacy, chores, decorations, and rules. This step doesn't need to be rushed, as it may develop over time. The important thing is that you now have a place to call home. Even if you do have to sleep with your pants on.

Dealing with the Ex

Regardless of how the relationship ended and whether or not you can get along, you have to focus on the well-being of your children. This means you'll likely have to find some common ground with your ex. Unfortunately, this may be impossible for some. Some of you unlucky dads may require the court to decide everything for you. If you are going down this road, then I hope that someday it gets easier for you because it's hard enough when you do get along with your ex.

The first, and most important step in dealing with your ex is to lay a foundation. Both of you need to set your pride aside and establish a parenting plan where you will determine things like living arrangements, scheduling, pickup/drop off, decision making, distribution of costs, and anything else you feel is important to your situation. If you are lucky enough to bang this out on the first meet, then I applaud you. The rest of us will experience a much more lengthy process that could take days or weeks. Sometimes a topic comes up that starts an argument and will require the both of you to step away and attack it again later. This is perfectly fine.

It is also important to establish consistency in your children's lives, so work with your ex on setting study times, bed times, punishment, and any other behavior you would demand in your home. If your kids are required to keep the same principles in both residences, they will be more comfortable and have a better overall experience, in turn, making your life easier because there won't be any, "Mom lets me!"

As many of you will experience an emotional distaste for your ex, it is important to never disparage your ex in front of your kids. Be careful when talking with friends, family, or most importantly, to your kids. I'm sure we all have some choice words we'd love to tell our kids about their mom, but it's best to keep the comments to yourself and focus on keeping their mom in a good light. After all, you expect her to do the same, right?

Keep your ex informed of changes in your life. If you change your job or are planning to move, it's probably best to tell your ex. Whether you know it or not, your changes will probably affect your ex. If you start dating and something gets serious, tell your ex. She doesn't want to find out about important events from the kids and it's probably not a good idea to keep secrets that she will eventually discover. She may not like what you're telling her, but you will feel better about being up front and honest. If you thought she made your life difficult when you were together, just remember that she has ten times the power now. Don't give her reasons to exercise it.